Bad Dear Abby

~E~

Shorter Dear Abby: You must totally squelch your inner self to get a man.

DEAR ABBY: I haven't had a boyfriend for a while now, and I'm not sure why. Everyone says I'm cool, funny and outgoing. I play video games, sports, and do things that boys think girls would never do (like paintballing in the woods or bungee jumping over and over again).All my guy friends think I'm awesome, and I do get compliments on my looks as well. I'm not a tomboy, I wear nice clothes and some makeup, but for some reason, wwhenever I get a crush on a guy, he says it would be "weird" because I'm a "really good friend." What am I doing wrong? I love who I am and so do boys. So why don't they think I could be "girlfriend material"? -- BOYFRIENDLESS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR BOYFRIENDLESS: It may be that "guys" see you as one of them. And because of it, they don't consider you in a romantic way. Therefore, it's time to emphasize your feminine side and present yourself in a different light. This may mean temporarily downplaying your involvement in boys' sports and paintball games, and amping up your "girlishness." Give it a try and see what happens.

Me again. I understand the desire to have a partner. I also think it's sad that people feel sad or damaged if they aren't dating someone. In the end, though, I think most people will be miserable trying to be who they aren't in order to attract a mate. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to the potential mate. Neither of you are getting what you think you're getting.

Love yourself, baby.


Comments

Laurie Stark said…
Oh my god, that is such horrendous advice! How about "be yourself and have fun with your friends and hobbies and the right person will come along eventually"? She even could have suggested being more flirty with men she's interested in but telling her to "emphasize (her) feminine side" and pretend to be less interested in sports is ridic and will only attract a guy who doesn't like her for who she really is. I have definitely been down the "pretend to be someone I'm not to get someone to like me" road and it sometimes works temporarily but, in the long run, it's heartbreaks all around.
November 25, 2007 at 1:33 AM
Spudster said…
From a logical perspective, I think what Abby suggests makes sense. Males tend to be attracted to the feminine and Females tend to be attracted to the masculine. If you're a feminine-inclined male, or masculine-inclined female, it could be more difficult for you to attract a mate. Such is the way things are when one veers from society's definition of "the norm".

Having said that, though, I think Abby would have done better to ask the woman what kind of man she is looking for, not to automatically assume there's some sort of personality flaw the woman needs to correct (even if she thinks there is one).

Making changes to who you are shouldn't be the first thing on the list to consider. It's a very personal decision to make that could have pretty heavy ramifications.
November 26, 2007 at 12:32 PM
Russell said…
From her letter, it sounds like she is becoming really good friends with guys first before she has the crush (or before she expresses her true feelings). This seems like more of the problem then her being "too boy-ish."

But really, what she should do is move to Madtown. ;)
November 28, 2007 at 7:22 PM
Charmingly Feisty said…
On one hand, I know people who started out as buddies and moved on to being a couple. On the other hand, I know a lot of women will put a guy into the friend/potential date category pretty early on and there they stay. Do guys do that to women?

Once a guy is in the friend category, he doesn't have nearly as much of an opportunity for more. Speaking generally, of course. So if lots of guys are the same way, she's out of luck.

I dunno, spudster, she has had boyfriends and she does get complimented on her looks. Without seeing her we'll just never know. :)

Russell, are you saying she'd have better luck in Madtown or that you'd date her? Or are you looking for a paintball partner. :p
November 28, 2007 at 10:30 PM
Spudster said…
Just to be clear, when I say "feminine" or "masculine", I don't limit it to just looks, but also include actions and personality.
November 29, 2007 at 8:57 AM
Charmingly Feisty said…
Spudster, get to work. ==3
November 29, 2007 at 11:11 AM
West Coast Midwestern said…
Haha, I know why y'all are offended but to be sure I don't think Dear Abby was telling her to change who she is. I think what she meant is that she is not putting out the right signals, maybe. In other words, whether we are interested in someone as only a friend, or more than a friend, we act accordingly.

So I think maybe Dear Abby was saying instead of punching the guy in the arm, do something more obviously girlie. That's not saying change who you are. She is, after all, a woman. So acting like one isn't too hard, and it is about being yourself. PLUS once the right guy gets the right signal, he'll be pumped for sure that they have similar interests. Because I don't believe her activities make her any less of a woman or more of a guy or anything like that; it is just about personal preference.

I have a boyfriend who hates football, and that doesn't make him any less of a guy in my mind. It's about having that commonality that works for you.

I don't think she is doing anything wrong, I just think she hasn't found "the one" yet.

That's my take anyway.
November 30, 2007 at 1:42 PM
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