Not-Dear Abby

This letter to Dear Abby got my back up. Well, the letter was fine; it was her answer that pissed me off.

Dear Abby: I'm 34 years old and have two wonderful kids ages 12 and 8. I am a single mother, employed part time. I live with my parents and need some advice.

I recently met a 35-year-old firefighter who coaches football and has a child of his own. The night we met it was nice. We engaged in physical activity.

He called me the next two days -- and that was it! I have called him several times since the last time he called me, and everything seemed fine with him. He said he wanted to get to know me better, so I don't understand why he doesn't call me anymore.

I e-mailed him that if he wanted me to stop calling, then I would appreciate it if he would just let me know. But he hasn't told me anything. I don't know if he's just really busy with work or what. Please help me understand what the problem is.

-- Lost in Guam

Dear Lost: The problem is you engaged in "physical activity" with him too soon. Now the mystery is gone, the excitement of the chase is gone and he is gone. While it might be nice of him to say goodbye, silence sends a message that speaks volumes. It's saying he is no longer interested.

Now, there are a zillion reasons why this guy may have stopped returning her calls (I'm leaning towards 'his girlfriend got back in town') but the way she went right to "you shouldn't have shagged him" pisses me off.

She could certainly have included the fact that getting intimate right away might have been a problem for her if she was expecting more and he wasn't, but that shouldn't have been the sole reason she put forth. It sounds judgmental, it's probably wrong, and it helps perpetuate the old stereotype of women as sexual gatekeepers who are entirely responsible not only for their own sexuality (as they are) but also for keeping men in line. It reinforces the idea that women must carefully dole out their sexuality, must hoard it, to use as trade goods for a relationship or date. Guess what, women can have sex just because they want to. And here's a novel idea, they might even enjoy it.

The letter writer sounds hurt and confused and now Abby made it clear that her situation is ALL HER FAULT for putting out too soon. Never mind the guy might be a jerk, nevermind he might have other things going on in his life, never mind HE PUT OUT TOO.

Comments

West Coast Midwestern said…
You tell it, sister. Double standards abound. Is this 2007 or did I miss something!? C'mon, Abby, you are killin' us.
September 30, 2007 at 3:29 PM
Laurie Stark said…
Oh my god, this is OUTRAGEOUS. You should write in. I mean, the woman is obviously being a fool (you went out with the dude like one time and now he owes you an explanation for not returning your calls?) but "engaging in physical activity" with him on the first date (we're talking about table tennis, right?) is probably not the reason.
October 3, 2007 at 4:14 PM
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