Wev

~E~

I think that guys who are afraid of the big hairy feminists, and think they are all ebil man-haters, are just afraid of being called on their shit. They'll have to actually stop and think about their behavior once in a while, and god, what a drag that is.

Hater

~E~

I hate it when you run into someone you haven't seen for a few years and you see that look in their eyes as they think "my god she's gained weight" and you can see them trying to look you up and down without you noticing.

I hate not understanding something when it seems like everyone else 'gets it'.

I hate not making more time for writing and other things that make me feel like I've accomplished something.

Um, I can't think of much more. I guess I don't hate much, except for the obvious things that everyone hates, like murder.

I also wonder why the ex was taking photos of my car with his cell phone today when I dropped off daughter.


OK, done.

But why?

~E~

Someone was a bit surprised that I made public my last several entries. My reasoning is, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

My silence will do nothing but protect the assholes that do this sort of thing. They are the ones who should be shamed, loudly and vocally. If I knew all their names, I would post them. I only know one, the guy in middle school who grabbed my breast. Martin Yngsdahl.

Really, to hell with these guys who just prey on women and girls. To hell with them, and utter shame to them.

The Denouement

I decide I would like to start dating again. I am shocked at myself, but glad.

I ask everyone I know where they met their significant other. They almost all say 'online dating'.

I think about it for a couple of months and give it a shot.

Within two weeks I start emailing a really funny and interesting guy. A month or two later, we meet in person and I immediately feel comfortable with him. I am shocked at myself, but glad.

We hit it off and spend all kinds of time together. I have new rules for myself and relationships. I believe they will serve me well.

With Al, I really have nothing to worry about.

And wow. He rocks my world. Hanging out is good. Talking is good. Learning about each other's interests is good.

Sex is good. Holy crap, it can be good! I can actually feel desire for someone. I have the space and the respect to actually feel desire for someone!! I get to choose whether I want sex or not and what can be hotter than that?? It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I have to stare in confusion at those people who think that making sure your partner consents ruins the whole thing.

And it's all because of Al.

A break

I'm finally divorced.

I hate men. I hate men. I hate men. For three years I avoid all contact with men. I hate them. I do not trust them.

I do a lot of thinking and learning and growing.

I get a great job but panic a bit at the thought of working with men. It turns out alright. Except for one guy who has a tendency to yell and swear on the phone sometimes (not to me, I overhear it), which freaks me the hell out. I learn that he's a decent guy and his yelling and swearing is about him, not me.

I put on a good face and no one has a clue.

Funny that. How many people do you interact with every day have that mask that hides everything. Everyone thinks everything is great and normal. There is so much hurt out there. I wish men could understand this. This. This is why so many women are 'careful', and 'hesitant'. We don't know which kind of guy you are.

Stupid and evil

I'm married.

The counselor just does. not. get. it.

Her solution for us is this:

He has to try a little harder to be nice to me.

I have to initiate sex a certain number of times per week.

What. The. Hell.

.....

I'm married.

It's just rape.

I fucking hate him. He forces me to fuck him. I grit my teeth and do the things that I know will get it over with sooner. He, in his arrogance, thinks I'm doing it for him. When I have the strength to resist, he screams at me for hours, literally 2,3,4 hours. I'm a bitch. Why can't I show him how much I love him? I'm selfish. I'm cold. I need to have sex with him to prove how much I love him. But I don't, I hate him.

The kids can surely hear this. It's 2 am and they are in bed.