sunny blizzard

~E~ I trudged home the long four blocks from school, not really enjoying the sunshine because I was hot and tired. Florida Blvd., that long long block, was the hardest. That street seemed like it would never end. Then came the shortest block, and finally the long haul down Welby Lane before I got to my street. I turned the corner, striding up the hill and then running the last few steps before I leaped onto the porch. Pushing the door open, I looked up to see that the living room was empty. I entered the kitchen and no one was there, either. After quickly checking all the bedrooms I started to feel my throat tighten up. Nobody was home. Frightened that anyone could look in the window and see me, I huddled under the large picture window in the living room. I'd peek my eyes up over the window sill looking for a familiar car coming down the road, or hoping a sibling would show up soon but I knew they got out of school a half hour after I did. Whenever a strange car would drive by, I&

~E~ I think that guys who are afraid of the big hairy feminists, and think they are all ebil man-haters, are just afraid of being called on their shit. They'll have to actually stop and think about their behavior once in a while, and god, what a drag that is.

~E~ I hate it when you run into someone you haven't seen for a few years and you see that look in their eyes as they think "my god she's gained weight" and you can see them trying to look you up and down without you noticing. I hate not understanding something when it seems like everyone else 'gets it'. I hate not making more time for writing and other things that make me feel like I've accomplished something. Um, I can't think of much more. I guess I don't hate much, except for the obvious things that everyone hates, like murder. I also wonder why the ex was taking photos of my car with his cell phone today when I dropped off daughter. OK, done.

~E~ Someone was a bit surprised that I made public my last several entries. My reasoning is, I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't, I have nothing to be ashamed of. My silence will do nothing but protect the assholes that do this sort of thing. They are the ones who should be shamed, loudly and vocally. If I knew all their names, I would post them. I only know one, the guy in middle school who grabbed my breast. Martin Yngsdahl. Really, to hell with these guys who just prey on women and girls. To hell with them, and utter shame to them.

I decide I would like to start dating again. I am shocked at myself, but glad. I ask everyone I know where they met their significant other. They almost all say 'online dating'. I think about it for a couple of months and give it a shot. Within two weeks I start emailing a really funny and interesting guy. A month or two later, we meet in person and I immediately feel comfortable with him. I am shocked at myself, but glad. We hit it off and spend all kinds of time together. I have new rules for myself and relationships. I believe they will serve me well. With Al, I really have nothing to worry about. And wow. He rocks my world. Hanging out is good. Talking is good. Learning about each other's interests is good. Sex is good. Holy crap, it can be good! I can actually feel desire for someone. I have the space and the respect to actually feel desire for someone!! I get to choose whether I want sex or not and what can be hotter than that?? It's amazing. Absolutely amazing. I

I'm finally divorced. I hate men. I hate men. I hate men. For three years I avoid all contact with men. I hate them. I do not trust them. I do a lot of thinking and learning and growing. I get a great job but panic a bit at the thought of working with men. It turns out alright. Except for one guy who has a tendency to yell and swear on the phone sometimes (not to me, I overhear it), which freaks me the hell out. I learn that he's a decent guy and his yelling and swearing is about him, not me. I put on a good face and no one has a clue. Funny that. How many people do you interact with every day have that mask that hides everything. Everyone thinks everything is great and normal. There is so much hurt out there. I wish men could understand this. This. This is why so many women are 'careful', and 'hesitant'. We don't know which kind of guy you are.

I'm married. The counselor just does. not. get. it. Her solution for us is this: He has to try a little harder to be nice to me. I have to initiate sex a certain number of times per week. What. The. Hell.

I'm married. It's just rape. I fucking hate him. He forces me to fuck him. I grit my teeth and do the things that I know will get it over with sooner. He, in his arrogance, thinks I'm doing it for him. When I have the strength to resist, he screams at me for hours, literally 2,3,4 hours. I'm a bitch. Why can't I show him how much I love him? I'm selfish. I'm cold. I need to have sex with him to prove how much I love him. But I don't, I hate him. The kids can surely hear this. It's 2 am and they are in bed.

I'm married. I've given birth four weeks ago, by C-section. Major surgery. He insists we have sex, by this time I'm too afraid of him to say anything. It hurts. Doctors advise no sex for 6-8 weeks after giving birth. When I supply this information at a counseling session, he looks at me and asks why I didn't say anything.

I am married He starts yelling at me one day because he 'left me alone for one day and I didn't initiate sex'. He was testing me. What I had felt that day was "thank god he's leaving me alone."

I'm married. He fondles and gropes all day long. He is full of sexual innuendo. He wants sex all the time. I was never taught that I could say no, or how to say no. I find strange passive-aggressive ways to avoid it. I stay up really late, knowing that when I go to bed he'll want to have sex. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes I endure it.

I've recently begun dating my eventually -to-be husband. I indicate an interest in sex. He bursts out with "Is that all that matters to you, getting laid?????" He does it anyway. Am I supposed to feel ashamed?

Fourteen years old. I ride my bike to a local park and find a bench to sit on. I enjoy the beautiful sunshine, the lake in front of me, I feel really good. A man rides up on his bike and lays out his towel about 100 feet in front of me. He lays down with his legs facing me. I can see his penis and testicles. I am embarrassed for him. I am embarrassed for myself. I eventually leave, my day ruined. It is years before I realize he did this on purpose.

Thirteen years old. I ride my bike around a LOT. As I wait on a corner for traffic to pass, a guy yells out the window "Get some clothes on!!" I have on shorts and a bikini top. Too many times to count I hear, "Nice ass!!" "Wanna fuck?" and various whistles and obscene gestures.

Eleven years old. I'm walking down the hallway at school. A boy reaches out and grabs my breast, hard, as he smirks at me. I look down and keep walking, shocked. I don't tell anyone. Nothing will happen. It's not the last time.

Ten years old. Walking home from school with my friend. We have our arms flung around each other. Middle schoolers walk behind us, calling out "Lezzies!! You are lezzies!!" We glance at each other guiltily and when it seems like the right moment, we 'casually' take our arms down and keep walking.

~E~ Imagine that, Walgreens has a huge ' sexual wellness ' section. Sex toys galore. Have fun shopping. I prefer "A Woman's Touch" , myself. I dare you not to click on the links.

~E~ I thought I knew how to be straightforward. I thought I was getting a good handle on how to communicate well. I was apparently all wrong.

~E~ This made me laugh hysterically, which is exactly what I needed today. No kittens were harmed in the filming of this video.

~E~ How many 12-year-olds want to wear Dora the Explorer bathing suits? Not many, I fear. How many 12-year-olds fit into junior size swimming suits? Not many, I fear yet again. Solution? MAKE one!! Easier said than done. It's June, right? Apparently sewing patterns, like clothing, run in a strange cycle and it's about impossible to find a pattern for a swimsuit in June. We finally found one that was slightly acceptable - and the only suit pattern in the whole store - so we went to town with that one. Daughter chose the fabric and we headed home to cut. I spent the evening cutting, pinning and sewing . Tonight I finished the bottom. I figured I could sew the sides shut since the original pattern was a bit too 'old' for Daughter. Ha! And HA again! I canNOT believe this pattern was for a woman's size 6. Daughter is a very slender KID and the bottoms were so tiny even she was embarrassed. The sides don't come anywhere near touching, so forget about sewing them to

~E~ I got to see the Eiffel Tower! Red Sonja's house You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... Quack quack quack quack quack quack Open wide, my dearies. One of the original pub signs from our fair city, first hung up in 1858, ten years after we became a state. True story. Hello?

~E~ Drunk bastard. Spidey the health nut.

~E~ It's so disconcerting when someone you've just met, and seemed to get on well with, suddenly just really dislikes you. Enough so that she turns her head away from you when she sees you coming. I won't lose sleep over it but I wonder what makes people do that. The social drama of sixth grade is too much for me to keep up with. Asparagus is the best vegetable ever, but only oven roasted with salt. It tastes so green! I seem to have lost my voice here at my blog. If someone will give me a phrase, I'll write a short story or poem for them and get this thing going again.

~E~ I always enjoyed this skit from Sesame Street; I used to watch it with Number One Son when he was a toddler. Honest. He was the one who wanted to watch it. The tune was catchy and we'd both find ourselves singing it at odd times. Several years later I caught a classic movie on TV and this scene came up. I was floored. They stole it from Sesame Street! The nerve. I love musicals. I can't wait for YIFO's to come out.

~E~ I don't remember ever wanting to get married, ever in my life. As a kid I figured it would happen some day since that's just what people did, but I didn't look forward to it. When it happened it was under duress; I was afraid what he'd do if I said no. That was a great start to things. I'm curious about why other people get married. I hear there are some people who date with the intention of finding a spouse. I've never actually met one of these people. I wonder why they are so intent on getting hitched? What ARE the reasons people get married? Is it just because that's what you do? Is it because they want to share their lives together, really and truly? Is it true love? Why do so many women wait for the guy to propose? If the day comes when I DO want to marry, I'll discuss it with the guy and we'll figure it out together. If you really want it, go for it, I say. Or those very religious folks, who don't so much as kiss until their wedding da

~E~ On a bike ride today, daughter came to a hill and just - stopped. I asked her why she stopped and she said she figured it would get hard part way up. Here are my words of advice: When you see the hills coming, pedal harder. Work up your momentum and you'll get farther up the hill the first time. If you just stop, you're starting from nothing. Words to live by.

~E~ There were few customers in the store, and not much to do. I was bored. I slowly made my way up and down the aisles of my department tucking in shoelaces, rearranging sizes, grabbing a misplaced pair of shoes and returning them to their rightful place. The store manager approached. A surly middle-aged man that no one liked, with a bad reddish-colored haircut and ugly polyester pants. He pushed up his large square plastic-rimmed glasses. "This is Miss Rose," he managed to say in a not-too-unpleasant tone. The woman next to him was ageless. She had white hair and skin so thin and white that I thought I would see right through her if I looked straight at her. She greeted me and indicated a table of our cheap loss-leader men's sneakers. She then turned her attention to the pen and paper in her hand. Well, sort of. She - someone - began writing. Size 6 1/2, 2 pairs Size 7, 5 pairs Size 7 1/2, 3 pairs Size 8, 7 pairs and on. "Oh,", Miss Rose gasped. "Oh De

~E~ After seeing this movie, I'm not sure what the big buzz was all about. While enjoyable, it was fairly cliche and predictable and I have a feeling it's one of those forgettable movies as well. What made the biggest impression on me were the slums and how huge they were. That anyone could pull themselves out of a life like that in a legitimate fashion is almost unthinkable; that anyone living there would turn to crime to survive and possibly prosper seems a given. The journey of the main characters begins when their mother is murdered; they are suddenly on their own. Some of the movies more amusing scenes actually come out of the different situations the boys take advantage of to earn (or steal) a living. I particularly enjoyed how they managed to get by once they come upon the Taj Mahal. The main thread of the movie is Jamal trying to reunite with his lost love, Latika. They are 6 or 7 when they meet and Jamal takes her in along with his brother. They're separated a bit

~E~ I'm going to tattoo a sunrise on my lower back so I can tell people the sun shines out my ass.

~E~ This is getting ridiculous. Three personal email addresses. Cell phone voicemail Home phone voicemail Work phone voicemail Cell phone online account for me Cell phone online account for Daughter Online accounts for: Utilities Water Online banking 401K Tivo Work computer log-in Three websites I need to access for my job Various blogger accounts (posting comments at other blogs/news sites), around 3 or 4 Facebook Evite account Cyclespages Irish Dance School site Newegg Thinkgeek QVC Gaelsong Shopirish Etsy Avis rent-a-car Kim and Jason Lemonade Stand itunes Flickr Photobucket Library That's thirty three so far. Thirty three passwords to come up with and remember. I'm sure I've forgotten other accounts or reasons to have a password, and I know most sites will email you if you've forgotten your password but doesn't this seem a bit out of hand? I also have to remember various user names on a lot of these sites. It's a chance to get creative but it's also one

~E~ "What we did this weekend" Al's birthday was Friday, so Daughter and I put our minds together and decided to make him the cake of his dreams. We worked very hard on it, literally hours, and I think our hard work paid off. Behold, the kitty litter cake. Al had a smile on his face when we unveiled it, so presumably he was happy about it... Later in the weekend, I prepared myself a delicious soft pretzel. Now, I love soft pretzels and will go so far as to eat the subpar pretzels available at hockey games, but the kind we heat up at home are my favorites. This is a delicious hot soft pretzel. This is a not-so-delicious hot pretzel whose life ended in clouds of black smoke coating everything in my house. Poor thing. And finally, as a grand finale, Daughter and I made these awesome oatmeal fudge cookies, filled with chocolaty goodness. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

~E~ On our first day in Ireland, my parents and I forced ourselves to wash up and make our way out of the B&B and into the real world. Our eyes sandy and bleary from the long plane trip, feeling rumpled and in need of a shower, we stumbled down the stairs and into our rental car. Our destination was downtown Ennis. The city was having a fleadh that weekend, a fine arts festival that involved the entire city. It included plays, concerts, dance exhibitions and was a perfect start to our stay in Ireland. Having found out there was a parade a bit later, Mom, Dad and I staked out a spot on a curb to watch. The sky, surprisingly (haha) was a bit cloudy but we stuck it out anyway. The parade did eventually begin. It was kind of a sorry affair, and we heard people talking about it and saying that not every one had shown up. They stopped the parade a few times because of rain, and finally just gave up on it altogether. It wasn't disappointing at all - we were in frackin' Ireland, pe

~E~ Remember that feeling of righteous indignation you had at age 13, when the teacher refused to believe it was not you talking and giggling at the back of class? Yeah. I was at an intersection I've driven through thousands of times, waiting to turn right. I had a red, and the traffic coming on the left was reaching the end of it's cycle; I watched as their light turned yellow, then red. I waited a few moments to let the usual fly-thru-the-light jerkoffs go through, then I pulled out. And suddenly there was a car there, a small scrunch sound and I thought what the F?? They pulled over, I pulled over and before I was even out of the car the guy was calling the police. Who actually came. I looked at his brand new expensive van and I couldn't see any damage, just a spot that looked like maybe a very VERY shallow scrape. I asked which direction he had been coming from, and when he told me I said "you ran the red light!" which he of course denied. Him and his stupid l

~E~ What are cats really doing when they lick themselves all over? How many times a day do they do it? It seems like seven or eight. And it only follows that every time you pet a cat, you get a handful of cat spit. There are many things that have fascinated me over the years, but I've never followed up on them. Geology seems very cool. I would like to know the thousands of different types of rocks and crystals and minerals and where they occur and how they got there. I wish I could read music. I wish I could speak Italian. The depths of the ocean are very much a mystery to us even now. I want to go there. I want to know all the history there is. I want to learn about all the women who did great things and were never recognized for it. Someone once told me that she believes every person is here on earth for a reason. I wish that were true, but I don't think it is. There are just too many people here for it to be true. Why are women seen as a special interest group when we a

~E~ I laughed, I cried, I give it a thumbs up!

~E~ People who know the whole story would say I have every right to hate my ex. I don't. Why bother? It's a waste of my energy and I'd rather concentrate on the positive. Apparently he does not (surprise!) share the same outlook. He called last week to discuss something relating to the kids and when he was done, I asked him if we could talk about something else. I told him that I didn't hate him, I tell the kids funny things about him. I told him that we had some good times; I asked if we could just put the past behind us and be civil to each other for the kids' sake. They feel and hate the anger that glows from him. He has a spinal cord injury that causes him pain. I told him that when I stop over to pick up the kids, I never know if he's disgusted by the sight of me or if he's just in pain. It's hard to tell. He immediately started ranting at me that I will never know what he's going through, as though I hadn't lived right there with him durin

~E~ America shudders in sweet, sweet release for the first time in eight years. Lets cuddle for a bit before we get down to business.

~E~ Part the first. She dialed her ex-husband to tell him that Daughter would not be over right away in the morning as Son was there; Son came to hang out and let the cable repairperson in, and Daughter wanted very much to hang out with him. The ex-husband demanded to know when the repairperson was scheduled to come over. She responded that the appointment was for 1-3, and the ex-husband angrily told her she should have made the appointment earlier. She rather incredulously told the ex-husband that that was the only time available; he yelled that he was not happy with this. She was thinking that it was typical and stupid of him to even begin to imagine that she would arrange her schedule to suit him. She reminded him that technically, daughter was not required to go to ex-husband's house until 4:30, whereupon ex-husband slammed his phone down. Part the Second. During the staff meeting at her job, a couple of announcements were made regarding safety. There had been two instances of