sunny blizzard

~E~ Linking to me again. I still have great affection for Mark, and from my point of view the biggest problem is that he's NEVER told me what it is that we need to discuss so urgently. I've been perfectly willing to talk, particularly for the first year, but his hurt and anger got in the way. He'd call me if he needed me, but if I contacted him it just pissed him the hell off. I still don't know how I could have been more gentle in our relationship and in breaking up with him. I am still totally floored by his reaction to the whole thing and yes, I've been hurt and angry with things he's said about me, and I've said some dumb things. Good luck in that new relationship, Mark, I mean that very honestly and without snark. And I hope you can be more honest with her than you were with me. Ciao, babes.

~E~ Merry Christmas, my darlings! Love to you all!

~E~ To say someone was evil, because she did xyz to you, when you were given regular opportunities (i.e., were asked directly) like once a month at the very least to discuss anything that might have been bothering you. The fact that nothing bothered you enough in four whole years that was worth addressing (but is now a huge problem) says more about you than her. To be pissed that someone didn't leave, even after being given direct permission to stay three times. To spout all kinds of lies to get pity attention. How does that feel, for someone who takes pride in being so honest. I should have listened to the descriptions of the first 'evil girlfriend' and run fast. I bet she was a pretty nice person. I feel really sorry for any future partners, honestly.

~E~ A few more things from my past are coming together, and I'm understanding why I'm having some of the dreams I've been having. Feeling like the important people in my life weren't there to back me up is the main thing. Being blamed when a neighbor kid punched me in the stomach, hard, for something my sister did. (I shouldn't have gone up to him when he called me, apparently. Again girls and women are supposed to be mind-readers) People trying really hard to minimize the things I told them, trying really hard to brush off the icky feelings they got that told them what they were suspecting was true. I was taught I wasn't worth defending. And that made it easier for me to be victimized down the road. Thank Maude I'm over that now. I'm sitting here wondering why my ex is friends with someone who molested me. A guy who considers himself to be a really good person, and fairly feminist. Is there no one on this planet who will stick up for me besides me?

~E~

~E~ I didn't realize how heavy the weight of it all was, until it wasn't there anymore. The weight of being ultra responsible for, not a child, but a freaking adult. I put my all into being super aware of his feelings and moods, making sure everything was going ok, making sure to have open communication so no one got hurt. yeah, that only works if both people do it. I tried to be very understanding of past hurts, and tried hard to soothe those hurts over and not create new ones. I knew that to get the relationship I wanted, I had to communicate. I had to MAKE it the relationship I wanted. But when the other half just coasts along pretending it's the relationship they've always dreamed of, ignoring signs it might not be, refusing to do the work of making it WORK? Assuming rather than asking? What do you do then? Especially when, at the time, it's all so invisible. I also do not understand at all how a person can feel so incomplete and unhappy unless they have a part

~E~ Gotta love how people will rewrite history to make themselves feel better. I hope I don't tend towards that. I don't think I do. You da man, Paul Revere!

~E~ Life goes on. Children grow up. Job gets more complicated. I spend too much time on Facebook and not enough time thinking and writing. Too shallow. I need to slow down, stop skimming and start thinking, digging deeper. It's so much more satisfying. I want deeply satisfying, not instantly gratifying. I think I just wrote part of a lyric.

~E~ Why do I find it hard to write the next line... Of my life.