Goin' to the Chapel
~E~
I don't remember ever wanting to get married, ever in my life.
As a kid I figured it would happen some day since that's just what people did, but I didn't look forward to it. When it happened it was under duress; I was afraid what he'd do if I said no. That was a great start to things.
I'm curious about why other people get married. I hear there are some people who date with the intention of finding a spouse. I've never actually met one of these people. I wonder why they are so intent on getting hitched?
What ARE the reasons people get married? Is it just because that's what you do? Is it because they want to share their lives together, really and truly? Is it true love?
Why do so many women wait for the guy to propose? If the day comes when I DO want to marry, I'll discuss it with the guy and we'll figure it out together. If you really want it, go for it, I say.
Or those very religious folks, who don't so much as kiss until their wedding day. I wonder if they get married just so they can finally sate all those physical urges they've been having. I hope it's worth the wait!
Does anyone think past the proposal, or the wedding day? Living with someone for the rest of your life requires cooperation and communication. It requires exploring your assumptions of gender roles. It requires discussing who will clean the toilet and who will change the oil. It requires you to renegotiate things on an ongoing basis. I think that to be happy, you have to be open to at least listening to the other person. You have to be able to tell them what you want, where you're willing to compromise and where you aren't.
You have to like yourself and know that you deserve to be happy, and you have to know it is not that other person's responsibility to MAKE you happy. Neither of you owns the other. Neither of you is the boss of the other.
I've seen great partnerships so I know they exist. I admire those people and have used them as role models to shape my own views on partnership and marriage, and I thank them for that. I'm sure they have no idea what an impact they have made on me!
And so begins summer, the wedding season.
Love ya!
I don't remember ever wanting to get married, ever in my life.
As a kid I figured it would happen some day since that's just what people did, but I didn't look forward to it. When it happened it was under duress; I was afraid what he'd do if I said no. That was a great start to things.
I'm curious about why other people get married. I hear there are some people who date with the intention of finding a spouse. I've never actually met one of these people. I wonder why they are so intent on getting hitched?
What ARE the reasons people get married? Is it just because that's what you do? Is it because they want to share their lives together, really and truly? Is it true love?
Why do so many women wait for the guy to propose? If the day comes when I DO want to marry, I'll discuss it with the guy and we'll figure it out together. If you really want it, go for it, I say.
Or those very religious folks, who don't so much as kiss until their wedding day. I wonder if they get married just so they can finally sate all those physical urges they've been having. I hope it's worth the wait!
Does anyone think past the proposal, or the wedding day? Living with someone for the rest of your life requires cooperation and communication. It requires exploring your assumptions of gender roles. It requires discussing who will clean the toilet and who will change the oil. It requires you to renegotiate things on an ongoing basis. I think that to be happy, you have to be open to at least listening to the other person. You have to be able to tell them what you want, where you're willing to compromise and where you aren't.
You have to like yourself and know that you deserve to be happy, and you have to know it is not that other person's responsibility to MAKE you happy. Neither of you owns the other. Neither of you is the boss of the other.
I've seen great partnerships so I know they exist. I admire those people and have used them as role models to shape my own views on partnership and marriage, and I thank them for that. I'm sure they have no idea what an impact they have made on me!
And so begins summer, the wedding season.
Love ya!
Comments
But maybe someday I'll fall in love and I'll want to have that day to celebrate our relationship. Who knows? To me, I think I'd rather have a potluck at the rec center. Make a sweet playlist, bake some cupcakes, and let everyone wear whatever they want. No gifts, no obligations, no stress. That seems like a real celebration to me.
I think I want to get married because that's what I have been raised to believe is The Right Thing to Do. But when I strip that away, Forever is a gargantuan commitment, and not one I take lightly. What is forever anyway? Can two people really commit that to each other? None of us really truly knows what that word means, do we?
With that said, as long as my partner and I are willing to work hard on our relationship, I think it's worth it. We do listen to each other, and I can tell you that it's hard to do sometimes. But it makes my life richer in ways I never knew about before. And no, negotiating and renegotiating who does what and over-communicating vs. under-communicating - all of it can be so not fun. But at the end of the day I feel like it is worth it. And as long as I feel like I have the ability to honestly assess that, I feel good about my life and my choices.
I recently made a personal decision that I am not ready for marriage. Not this year anyway. Probably not next year either. The massive relief I felt when I truly decided this was imminent, and hasn't worn off yet (and I decided this months ago, which to me is indicative of a good decision made). I feel like it's the first decision I have made for Me, not for what I think my parents want or what my grandmother wants. I love them very much, but they are not living my life. I have to deal with the consequences of my choices, not anyone else. I am finally figuring that out.
I do still want to get married, and I hope to marry my partner. But I want to marry him because that's what he and I want, not because someone else thinks we should be married. And if/when that day comes, I will be eloping (and then having a big potluck to celebrate). That is my dream wedding. Because you are right, Sunny, the emphasis needs to be on the marriage, not the wedding day. The Marriage is the important part. So many people have lost focus on this, and it's sad.
I'm glad we all appreciate this. It's so beautiful.
What I want out of marriage is a partner to spend my days with, someone I love and love doing things with. Physical and emotional togetherness. I don't expect to spend every waking moment together because we both have interests independent of each other, but it is great that we like to be in each other's company as much as we do.
Then comes the wedding itself. I view it as a chance to publicly declare our love for each other with our family and friends present. Then we can have a big party with tasty food and drink, music, dancing and the company of people who are important to us. Mostly, we just want people to be around and have fun with us on "our day". That said, you can certainly do things more low key than we are, and if you have a small family that shrinks the bill substantially as well. In the end it's not about the money spent, but the quality of the experience. The thing to remember is that life will go on when the excitement of the day settles down, and as long as the foundation of the relationship is in place then the marriage should do fine and the love should flourish.